people.

i have really wonderful relationships.  the older i get, the more i understand that this is not the case for everyone.  it's actually kind of rare.  a lot of people don't have "people".  i think it's one of the reasons i loved my bsm job so much.  i get to create opportunities for people to find their "people".  bsm is how i found my "people".
at 25 and single, i've found that a lot of people's "people" start to find other "people", namely husbands and babies, and other people with husbands and babies.  however, i have found that i somehow got to side-step the lonely road that should be 25 and single.  it was a surprisingly un-lonely journey for me.  especially this last year.  and i feel the need to thank three specific people:

 Chase Gandy Dunn.  my loyal co-worker and friend.  My job got about 300% better when Chase came to work with us.  I saw Chase almost every day for 10-months.  He sat about 8 feet away from me, we spent about 50 hours a week together, and still chose to hang out on the weekends.  He acted as personal assistant, therapist, sounding board, think-tanker, personal driver,  and provided MUCH necessary comic-relief and sympathy when no one else understood.  Thank you, Chase Dunn.  Let's be friends forever.

Kristen McMath.  I met Kristen as a kind of favor to our mutual friend Lauren.  We had a "blind date" and assumed nothing would come of it (because that's not how friendships happen...awkward).  But, turns out, I think we were both in need of someone to process life with.  Although neither of us would normally be confident enough to say a phrase like this, I think God had a hand in bringing us together this last year of life.  Thank you, Kristen McMath.  I'm happy you're going to stay close in this next phase of life.

Aleece Methvin:  How does one describe Aleece Methvin? Aleece is one of the most unique people I know.  She's a ridiculous mix of sass, sarcasm, compassion and honesty.  She'll cuss you out and bake you a cupcake all at the same time.  She was a hipster before there were hipsters, and will continue to be one when they're all gone.  She's up for anything, with anyone, at any time.
Aleece has provided more adventure and companionship in this last season of life than anyone else.  I'm grateful for her, and confident she will not be replaced.  Thank you, Aleece Methvin.  I pray we have many more adventures together.

thanks to my people.  you're great.

functioning skepticism

I feel I should title this next stage of my life as "seminary for the skeptic". Because that seems to be the most fitting word to describe where I'm headed. In fact, I believe skepticism rightly describes me in more than one setting.

I might actually label my whole life as some sort of "functioning skepticism". I feel that for the amount of doubts and questions I have, I am surprisingly committed and productive, especially as it comes with Christianity.

And my deep hope is that seminary doesn't just drown the whole thing with intellectual, non-applicable BS that acts as concrete boots.

Because, ultimately, I'm doing this whole thing for the skeptic and the cynic. I want to sort all of this out for us. I know you're watching...with some subtle (or not so subtle) hope that I'll prove it all right. And hoping you don't have to face the day I admit that I got it wrong and we both have to figure out what to believe and what to do with our Sunday mornings.

Me too. I pray I never face that day. And functionally-skeptically say it will never come. :)

recent revelations

my time at SPC BSM has taught me a whole slew of things about myself and life and the Lord.  Here are a few personal discoveries i have made:

--I have a weird speech pattern.  I never knew this. No one EVER told me.  but, due to my very honest, very good friends here in Levelland, I am now so very aware of this.  my speech pattern, partnered with my mitten hands, has probably been the #1 impersonated quirk in all of West Texas (special thanks to Aleece Methvin for this one).

--I am predictable.  I always thought i had a little spontaneity in me, but i have come to realize that this is really not that true.  I order the same foods.  I react in the saw ways.  [show me a baby animal, what am i going to do?]  it is what it is.  and sometimes this plays out in very positive ways.  consistency and dependability are great things.  but, other times, it's just straight boring.  shame.

• i need to mention this:  MANY of my preferences as a child came from my extreme timidity and lack of confidence.  and set the trend for my adult life as well.
• also, i feel as if everyone thinks they're unpredictable.  you're not.  just like you're probably not laid back, as much as you want to be...

-- i am a worrier.  dang.  there it is.  i worry A LOT.  i very rarely worry about my future or the Lord providing for me.  My worry comes mostly in the form of worrying for other people.  I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.  and it is my deep hope/trust that no matter what happens in my life, the Lord WILL come through for me.  however, i deeply worry that He will not come through for other people.  For example: when/if i go to the mission field, will God take care of my mom and dad at home?  when my best friend has a baby in ICU, will God show up to comfort them?  when my friend is surrounded by grief and terror in Kabul, will God sustain her?
and my constant realization is this:  this is not my burden to carry.  it is presumptuous of me to think that God will provide for me and not for them.  and just not my place to worry.  matthew 6:26 is probably the most comfort i have found.  Jesus makes it clear that worrying is not my place.  that my friends will be loved and provided for by the Almighty, just as I am.   however, this is out of my control, and is at the core a trust issue.  i cannot sway the heart of man toward God, nor the heart of God toward man.  i am left only with my ability to trust and obey.


-- i cannot consistently maintain a blog.

thoughts on boredom...

hello.  i have a few key topics i would like to blog about.  they are completely unrelated, so they will demand their own posts.  i will start with the lightest topic, and perhaps on a more reflective day i will go in to more detail on the other few items.

i have recently been thinking about boredom.  i fell that i am usually very good at entertaining myself.  and very seldom would i really claim that i am bored.  this may almost be to a fault. i can waste an entire day and not even know it.  because it just doesn't take much to keep me occupied and happy.
however, with that said...i have realized that sometimes i do claim to be bored.  especially in my younger years, i would often complain about being bored.  and often i see facebook statuses of other people claiming boredom.
from my own self analysis (over-analysis) i have found this to be true:  my boredom only comes when i feel left out.  almost always, i'm really not bored, i'm just aware that there is something way better i could be doing, but i didn't get invited, or am just unable to be doing it.  and i think i express it in boredom.  and discontent.

but really, when i say i'm bored, it probably means i'd just rather be doing that one thing that i can't be doing, either because my friends didn't invite me, or because my circumstances won't allow me to do it.

in other words, it's all in my head.

if you read this whole thing, i am grateful for your commitment to our friendship.  because i just read over it, and it is barely worthy of a journal entry that no one would ever read.

you're lovely.

gratitude

a few items of current gratitude:

you--you, the loyal reader.  why would you continue to follow such a sporadic, uninspired blog?  i don't know, but i'm grateful.

my friends--i have had a chance to spend some good quality time with some great people already this summer.  this includes people like ashlee stricklin, kayla herring, anne vickers, shauna swinney, alexis kissick, the extended coomer clan, and all the former SPC BSM interns.  i think often people are judged by their friends.  if this is the case, i am funny, classy, thoughtful and awesome.

rest--i don't think i can adequately describe how nice it has been to do nothing.   with no one.  i'm pretty sure i didn't know the extent of my burn-out last semester.  it has been so refreshing to spend time with the Lord on my own schedule, read what i want to, watch several entire world cup games a day, and let my phone die because it doesn't really matter.  so nice.  so very nice.

borderline poverty--this is a dramatic label.  however, i do think my experience being an intern at the bsm, and therefore making about (maybe less than) half of what i would be making otherwise, has blessed me a lot.  in college there was this understanding that if i overspent, or had an automobile malfunction, my parents would cover it.  i really wasn't poor at all.  but now, as a semi-pro trying to live independently, i am realizing how much things cost, and how many people live on less than me.  it's really eye-opening in [at least] two ways: 1) i have to prioritize.  i can't have everything.  2) i am gaining insightful perspective/compassion for people who live on limited funds (especially with children, etc.)

this list could be very long.  but, i probably wouldn't read any more if i were you.  so i will stop.  but i am grateful.  to many people, and one specific entity, for a lot that is present in my life.  it is good.

bah

i feel that facebook and twitter and every other form of instant update socialization + my lack of time = my lame, non-existent blog life. and i apologize for that. i really enjoy blogging. but i have just not been inspired lately.

my life is good. i am happy. and very blessed. i am more aware of my abundance now than maybe i have ever been. i also feel that this semester has been the most challenging/refining one yet. not easy, but good.

i recently have been desiring to get more serious about photography. it seems like it's everyone's #1 hobby, so i almost feel like a sell-out for claiming it. art is not something i excel at, but i do enjoy the process of creating. i specifically like the challenge of finding beauty around me. these are a few taken from my house:

my beloved paco. this is not his first appearance on the blog:



and...my backyard. (i boosted some color on this one, but for some reason it is not loading...)


that is all. i make no promises on the timeliness of my next update.

reality

my boss always tells me something like this: "when you choose to love people, you choose to open up your life to the possibility of heartbreak and pain." he says it better, i'm sure...but the message is there. and i feel like it has embodied itself as the theme of my week, maybe even my semester.
it is truth...when the people you love get hurt, you hurt. whether self-inflicted or out of their control, it still hurts my heart to see people i love walk through pain.
it has left me currently in a sense of helplessness. maybe a little bit of defeat mixed in there. however, i feel that in this state, i have also found a deep need for the Lord. across the board, i have seen people, my students, turning their face toward the Lord. He is most definitely making good out of bad. and that is great.

i've also been learning about prayer. it's a mystery. that's all i know.

i feel that this is a bit vague. but...i wanted to update my blog. and i wanted to be honest. so...i wanted to write this.