recent revelations

my time at SPC BSM has taught me a whole slew of things about myself and life and the Lord.  Here are a few personal discoveries i have made:

--I have a weird speech pattern.  I never knew this. No one EVER told me.  but, due to my very honest, very good friends here in Levelland, I am now so very aware of this.  my speech pattern, partnered with my mitten hands, has probably been the #1 impersonated quirk in all of West Texas (special thanks to Aleece Methvin for this one).

--I am predictable.  I always thought i had a little spontaneity in me, but i have come to realize that this is really not that true.  I order the same foods.  I react in the saw ways.  [show me a baby animal, what am i going to do?]  it is what it is.  and sometimes this plays out in very positive ways.  consistency and dependability are great things.  but, other times, it's just straight boring.  shame.

• i need to mention this:  MANY of my preferences as a child came from my extreme timidity and lack of confidence.  and set the trend for my adult life as well.
• also, i feel as if everyone thinks they're unpredictable.  you're not.  just like you're probably not laid back, as much as you want to be...

-- i am a worrier.  dang.  there it is.  i worry A LOT.  i very rarely worry about my future or the Lord providing for me.  My worry comes mostly in the form of worrying for other people.  I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.  and it is my deep hope/trust that no matter what happens in my life, the Lord WILL come through for me.  however, i deeply worry that He will not come through for other people.  For example: when/if i go to the mission field, will God take care of my mom and dad at home?  when my best friend has a baby in ICU, will God show up to comfort them?  when my friend is surrounded by grief and terror in Kabul, will God sustain her?
and my constant realization is this:  this is not my burden to carry.  it is presumptuous of me to think that God will provide for me and not for them.  and just not my place to worry.  matthew 6:26 is probably the most comfort i have found.  Jesus makes it clear that worrying is not my place.  that my friends will be loved and provided for by the Almighty, just as I am.   however, this is out of my control, and is at the core a trust issue.  i cannot sway the heart of man toward God, nor the heart of God toward man.  i am left only with my ability to trust and obey.


-- i cannot consistently maintain a blog.