Thursday, August 26, 2010

recent revelations

my time at SPC BSM has taught me a whole slew of things about myself and life and the Lord.  Here are a few personal discoveries i have made:

--I have a weird speech pattern.  I never knew this. No one EVER told me.  but, due to my very honest, very good friends here in Levelland, I am now so very aware of this.  my speech pattern, partnered with my mitten hands, has probably been the #1 impersonated quirk in all of West Texas (special thanks to Aleece Methvin for this one).

--I am predictable.  I always thought i had a little spontaneity in me, but i have come to realize that this is really not that true.  I order the same foods.  I react in the saw ways.  [show me a baby animal, what am i going to do?]  it is what it is.  and sometimes this plays out in very positive ways.  consistency and dependability are great things.  but, other times, it's just straight boring.  shame.
    • i need to mention this:  MANY of my preferences as a child came from my extreme timidity and lack of confidence.  and set the trend for my adult life as well.
    • also, i feel as if everyone thinks they're unpredictable.  you're not.  just like you're probably not laid back, as much as you want to be...
-- i am a worrier.  dang.  there it is.  i worry A LOT.  i very rarely worry about my future or the Lord providing for me.  My worry comes mostly in the form of worrying for other people.  I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good.  and it is my deep hope/trust that no matter what happens in my life, the Lord WILL come through for me.  however, i deeply worry that He will not come through for other people.  For example: when/if i go to the mission field, will God take care of my mom and dad at home?  when my best friend has a baby in ICU, will God show up to comfort them?  when my friend is surrounded by grief and terror in Kabul, will God sustain her?
and my constant realization is this:  this is not my burden to carry.  it is presumptuous of me to think that God will provide for me and not for them.  and just not my place to worry.  matthew 6:26 is probably the most comfort i have found.  Jesus makes it clear that worrying is not my place.  that my friends will be loved and provided for by the Almighty, just as I am.   however, this is out of my control, and is at the core a trust issue.  i cannot sway the heart of man toward God, nor the heart of God toward man.  i am left only with my ability to trust and obey.

-- i cannot consistently maintain a blog.

Friday, August 06, 2010

thoughts on boredom...

hello.  i have a few key topics i would like to blog about.  they are completely unrelated, so they will demand their own posts.  i will start with the lightest topic, and perhaps on a more reflective day i will go in to more detail on the other few items.

i have recently been thinking about boredom.  i fell that i am usually very good at entertaining myself.  and very seldom would i really claim that i am bored.  this may almost be to a fault. i can waste an entire day and not even know it.  because it just doesn't take much to keep me occupied and happy.
however, with that said...i have realized that sometimes i do claim to be bored.  especially in my younger years, i would often complain about being bored.  and often i see facebook statuses of other people claiming boredom.
from my own self analysis (over-analysis) i have found this to be true:  my boredom only comes when i feel left out.  almost always, i'm really not bored, i'm just aware that there is something way better i could be doing, but i didn't get invited, or am just unable to be doing it.  and i think i express it in boredom.  and discontent.

but really, when i say i'm bored, it probably means i'd just rather be doing that one thing that i can't be doing, either because my friends didn't invite me, or because my circumstances won't allow me to do it.

in other words, it's all in my head.

if you read this whole thing, i am grateful for your commitment to our friendship.  because i just read over it, and it is barely worthy of a journal entry that no one would ever read.

you're lovely.